Saturday, December 17, 2011


Timo leaves me this week. It's not unexpected and I've gone through these types of goodbyes a hundred times over by now, but for some reason this one is really hitting me right in the gut. It's just, for the longest time, it's been me and Timo against the world in our dorm room. He and I have been the only long-termers for so long now and I've gotten used to depending on him as my constant. So what on earth am supposed to do when he's gone?

I was thinking about it today and I actually started to cry. He doesn't even leave for another four of five days and I'm already getting all mushy about it. Thankfully a Spanish girl named Marina has moved in and it looks like she's going to stay for a while, but it's just not Timo. Yeesh, when did I beccome such a sap?

Timo and I went out together the other night with this other german girl. I'm not attracted to Timo that way, but I kept getting jealous of the other girl when Timo would dance close-up with her. I think it's just because I *think* I should be jealous. Like, Timo is the epitome of what I would want in a guy. Really good-looking, tall, athletic but not overly, facial hair (:P), funny, super easy to talk to, incredibly intelligent, potentially rich (one day after he gets his masters and becomes a legit architect), loves to travel... I could go on. But the point is that, minus the fact that he's not Christian, Timo would theoretically be my dream man. But there's no attraction there. The problem is that my mind seems to think that there should be attraction there and tries to force the notion on the rest of my body. I got a little tipsy the night that we went out together and almost seriously entertained the idea of kissing him. You know, just to see if I could get some sort of sparks going. It doesn't help matters that I know that Timo is very influenced by the ideas of others liking him rather than just going by who he likes, and I know that if I kiss him he'll probably be pretty receptive.

That's not what I want and I don't want to complicate our roommate relationship, but part of me wonders, if I just do it the night before he leaves. We'll all go out to send him off and I can just wait til we're both slightly inebriated and then just kiss him and see what happens. No, I wouldn't sleep with him. I don't think I would, at least.

But it probably won't matter cause I don't think I would have the guts to do it anyway.

Speaking of going back to my slutty ways, I was watching a movie with Jacinta the other night (I really do love that girl) and in the movie Reese Witherspoon slept with some guy and woke up next him in bed in the morning. He made her a breakfast smoothie.

It was a one-night stand, there was nothing particularly special about it, but it just gave me this sudden longing to sleep with someone and wake up the next morning just nestled in their arms. Actually, I don't think I would even want the sex necessarily. Just to wake up in someone's arms who cares about me and makes me breakfast in bed and wants to spend the rest of the day with me... Really, it made me long for Kyle, of all people. Because I know that he would do all that. I know that he practically did, the last time we were together. Just, you know, minus the sex. And the reason that I think he's the one to really pop in my mind there is that he's always taken such good care of me. He's always been super attentive to my needs and my wants, and he's protective over me. And the biggest draw here, I think, is that he's flat-out told me that he would like to maybe try for something real when I get back to the States.

I mean, I know that it would never work. We have absolutely nothing in common and it would be the most awkward relationship from the start. But still, it would be everything that I just described having such a longing for as I watched that movie.

To be a hundred percent honest, I'm really tempted by the thought of running straight into Kyles arms as soon as I get back. This means that I need to really dig into my relationship with Christ and figure out how to be comletely satisfied in Him over the course of the next eight months or going back's going to be a disaster.

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