Sunday, December 18, 2011


I'm a mess. Hard-core, I'm such a mess.

I find myself so easily getting fed up with God. I mean, I'll think we're doing okay (you know, minus how terrible I am at keeping up with this relationship thing with Him), and then something small will happen and I'll turn into a complete 2 year old and tell Him how angry and frustrated I am with Him, then clam up and refuse to talk to Him for days.

And what makes it worse is that I really have no right to get angry with Him. Any lacks in our relationship are completely my fault. Do you have any idea what kind of burden that fault is? I mean, in any other relationship, if there are problems it's almost always issues that both parties have to fix. You know, the whole 2-way street thing. But that's not the case here because God is perfect, which puts all things imperfect on our back. Pressure much? And then I get frustrated about that beccause I thought one of the great things about being buddy-buddy with Jesus is that He takes the weight. Doesn't He say that? "Come to me, all who are weaary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn and learn from me, for I am gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."- Matthew 11:28-30

Part of the problem is that I feel like He doesn't listen to me. I know that prayer is really something that I've struggled with for a long time, but every time I think that I've finally got it sorted out, nothing happens. I talk to Him and talk to Him, and I just get nothing back. He doesn't answer... Okay, maybe He answers, but His answers are always no. I'll ask for something, ask for something, anything... and get nothing back. Then I revert back to my messed-up theology about how God's not answering because there are so many problems in our relationship, and those are all my fault for not trying harder...but I know that's not how God works. I just can't think of another reason why He would be so thoroughly ignoring me.

To be honest, I think part of what's brought this on is that I'm not happy here. I like Melbourne. The city is gorgeous and real and cultured and everything that I usually want in a city. But I have no one. I've only got one roommate at the hostel and she's that most anti-social person ever. The church that I'm going to is great and the people are very nice, but we only meet once a week and it seems like that's the only time any of them hang out. I really need some solid Christian friends who want to hang out outside of the normal Sunday deal. I meant to build some stronger connections yesterday, but didn't... and they don't have serivce next week for Christmas so it'll be two weeks before I can try again. Thankfully there are a couple girls here that I knew from Brisbane who I've been falling back on, but they're backpackers and they want to go out in the evenings and get drunk and hook up with guys... and that's exactly what I need to stay away from.

I say this because that's another reason I've been so angry with God lately. There's something wrong with me. I mean, physically, medically, whatever. My hormones don't work right and... this is so awkward to put into actual words, but I don't get aroused. I've kissed a few more boys than I would like to admit to in the time that I've been here and only once in my life have I actually had the kind of reaction that normal people seem to have. You know, the heat-heading-south and butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of feeling. The one time that I actually felt something, it was a guy who I had known for a couple of hours. I remember his name and that he was German. And he was taller than me. That's literally it. I was very drunk.

I've gone through it all in my head over and over and I can't figure out why he was different. It wasn't because I was drunk. It wasn't because I found him physically attractive (though I did. Another thing I remember. But I've kissed other guys I've been pysically attracted to and no difference). It wasn't his kissing expertise. In fact, I specifically remember him being m=not particularly skilled. Then again, he was also the first guy I had kissed since Kyle, who was kind of a master. Still, didn't feel anything with Kyle, so that theory's out the window, too. It wasn't even because he was German. As you can see, I've been thorough in my research.

It frustrates me because I'm not whole. Somehow, my body doesn't work and if I was to ever genuinely want to get married or something, I would be a hindrance to my husband. I mean, he's male so he would probably have no problems whatsoever. I would just be that slacking wife who doesn't want to give him sex because I genuinely don't enjoy it and would eventually drive him to satisfy his needs with someone else.

I listened to a Mark Driscoll sermon recently and he was talking about spouses who with-hold sex from their partners and how thats how divorces start. I think he was talking about spouses who with-held sex out of spite, but still. So pretty much, I'm doomed to live my life alone because even if I manage to find a guy who I like enough to marry, he's still gonna leave me in a few years because I won't give him sex.

And I know that that's really not an issue yet, so I shouldn't get too worked up about it. I do, however, have this insane craving for a boyfriend. A Christian one, who wouldn't pressure me for sex and who would help me grow in my relationship with Christ. But really, I just want someone who wants to spend a lot of time with me and who will hug me and snuggle and cuddle with me. It's the physical affecction that I really crave more than anything. Not kissing, just touch. Holding hands, brushing arms... that kind of deal.

If fact, this morning I was praying for it. I was talking to God, trying to be honest with Him (something I've been slacking on lately) and told Him flat out that this is what I really need. And I don't want to sound like the typical whiney Christian girl who prays for a husband, but I feel like this is what i really need right now. Someone who genuinely cares, has the same ideals as me, someone who wants to be close physically, and who goes out of their way to hang out with me more than just once a week or so. It doesn't even have to be a boyfriend; I just feel like a boyfriend would most easily fit all of those things.

Okay, I'm getting frustrated with my situation by talking about it, so I'm going to end this journal now.

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