Saturday, December 17, 2011


I'm getting my hopes up for this thing tomorrow. It's just going to be me and Abby. Alone at Pancake Manor. And maybe Aaron will show up. Or maybe Kelsey will pop in. Or possibly Kristen, though that one is unlikely because I don't even know her. I really ont want this to be a big deal in any sense. I mean, I would love it if a mass of people showed up and it was cool, but I dont want it to be where I'm the center of it all. But what I really dont want to be a big deal is if no one comes. I dont want myself to get all weepy and self-pitying about something so small, something so vain and that really shouldnt even matter.

So why was it such a big deal on Wednesday? Is it just that I'm feeling forgotten? I think what it is, is that these people don't think far enough ahead to realize that I literally have no one else to celebrate with. If this falls through, that's it. No family celebrations, no party with the school friends or the work friends or the roommates. This. Is. It. And it kind of pisses me off that they
dont realize that and want to do something about it.

No, that's not it. I mean, that's definitely a large part of it, but the rest is that I'm just not established in their group enough to be a part of it, which means that I dont get the big turn out. Back home this wasnt a big deal because that jus meant that I got to spend all the time with the people who really wanted to be there and who I wanted to be there. Namely Mandy and Kristina and the Brennans and Steph and Erin and Eileen and the boys and maybe even Chris and Kevin. But it doesnt really matter now because theyre not here and suddenly Janelle's got to fend for herself

Oh gosh, is this another way that God is humbling me? That I'm always so proud of my own ability to be independent and that I don't really *need* anyone to make things work? Is this His way of showing me that I'm really quite dependent on people, that I need to get over this idea that I'm good enough by my own?


Lord, I need You and only You. I know that. So why is your method of humbling me involving my need for other people? Shouldn't this be more of a lesson in relying on You only?

Oh gosh, what if it is and I just missed the whole point of the exercize AGAIN? Or maybe this is His way of proving once again that He provides? Maybe I'll show up there tomorrow night and there will be tons of people.

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